When we’re in the midst of a conflict conversation, it can be easy to get swept up in the emotion of it all and begin to escalate. This can lead to raised voices, insults, and maybe even physical acts of aggression. At the end of a heated argument, how do you feel? Chances are, you don’t leave feeling heard, validated, or satisfied with the outcome. Perhaps a change in approach can help.

If you know you’re going to have a potentially conflictual conversation, take a few moments to center yourself. You can do this with com breathwork, like box breathing, which is in through your nose for four, hold for four, out through your mouth for four, hold for four, and repeat as needed. You can also visualize a safe space. Or do skin-to-skin contact, which can be hand on chest, hands on neck, or holding your own hands, to name a few. Once you feel calm and collected, approach the person you’re speaking to with gentleness.

If you didn’t set an appointment to talk, try asking them if now is a good time. Model that calm demeanor for the other person so their nervous system can co-regulate. Then utilize active listening, which is a technique I discuss in another video. If you find yourself getting heated, ask for a time out. Take a break, take a breath, come back to center. This may take a few minutes, and it’s okay to take that break. Allow the other person to do the same, should they need to. This may make it feel like the conversation is being drawn out, but it allows each person to self-soothe, get their point across in a productive, non-aggressive way, and fully hear what the other person has to say, as well.

When we’re in heightened states, it’s actually very difficult to hear and process what’s being said. Calmness paves the way for effective communication. For more tips on how to communicate effectively, check out some of my other videos, or reach out for a free consultation to see if starting therapy can help.